I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
