You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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