she woke up with a sticky ear
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
