I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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