She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
