she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
