i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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