If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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