Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
