Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
