Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
