be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
