Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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