His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
