you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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