Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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