My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
