I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
is that a dick in a sweater?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
