I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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