I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
