tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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