dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
