i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
