That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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