i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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