but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
so much tequila, so little girl.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
