You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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