I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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