We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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