she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
