Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
