You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
