I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
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