Jerry, you need to find god
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
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I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
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He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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