Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
