rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
