jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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