you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
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