I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
wakey wakey hands off snakey
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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