The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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