Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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