I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
farters have to be the big spoon...
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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