Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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