I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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