we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
