I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Someone shit on the floor
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
