It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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