I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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