I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
