The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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