There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
