I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
