i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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