Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
where does the pee come out of this thing
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
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He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
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She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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