i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
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My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
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The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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