I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
