I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
