so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
