My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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