i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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