that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
