"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
