return my video game
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
