my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
