the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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