we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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